


Horsing Around

by Darelz



Category: Disco Elysium (Video Game)
Genre: Fluff, Friendship, Gen, Horses, Humor, One Shot, POV Second Person, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-05
Updated: 2021-01-05
Packaged: 2021-03-15 10:22:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,862
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28561992
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Darelz/pseuds/Darelz
Summary: In which Harry's antics lead him to meeting Jean's horse.
Relationships: Harry Du Bois & Jean Vicquemare, Harry Du Bois & Kim Kitsuragi, Harry Du Bois & Kim Kitsuragi & Jean Vicquemare, Kim Kitsuragi & Jean Vicquemare
Comments: 6
Kudos: 23





	Horsing Around

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ohsheeps](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ohsheeps/gifts).



> This was written for the DE Secret Santa exchange. I showed it to the giftee in private, but kept it off AO3 to make more edits. I'm still not entirely happy with it, but when am I ever? Better to have something than nothing at all. So have the horse fic at last.

PRECINCT 41 – Sunlight eases through cracks in the sky, bathing Precinct 41's offices in a muted glow. For a Monday morning, it's not awful – even if there is a mountain of cases awaiting your attention. Lately you've felt a little more able to manage the work, though there's still much ahead of you.

PERCEPTION – As you enter the C-wing, you can hear a pair of familiar voices from the kitchen: Kim and Jean, presumably conversing while preparing their morning coffee.

ESPRIT DE CORPS – Decaffeinated with a splash of milk for Kim. Jean pretends to have his neat, but will dump in at least 3 teaspoons of sugar when he thinks Kim isn't looking.

SUGGESTION – Emphasis on 'thinks'.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY – Since you’ve become a *loser* who doesn’t drink liquor anymore, the least you could do is indulge in a mug of stimulating caffeine juice.

VOLITION – It is better than drugs.

YOU – As you make your way toward the kitchen, you open your mouth to call out to your colleagues in greeting–

SHIVERS – Up on the rooftop, birds scatter as a careless cat pounces too soon.

SAVOIR FAIRE – Be wary of your approach, heavy-footed one.

YOU – Why would I need to be quiet?

INLAND EMPIRE – Silence brings with it new sounds.

YOU – Uh…

SUGGESTION – What he's saying is you could eavesdrop. Aren't you curious what Kim and Jean talk about when you're not around?

HALF LIGHT – They gossip about you! Listen in, catch them red-handed!

EMPATHY – They wouldn't do that to you… Jean would voice any grievances he has to your face. 

DRAMA – You might overhear some juicy secrets though! Ones they don't share with you because 'you tell everyone' – which is blatant slander, sire.

REACTION SPEED – Secrets? Think of all the people you can tell!

SAVOIR FAIRE – With the promise of fresh gossip you pad towards the kitchen on your tippy toes, careful to avoid creaky floor boards. You press up against the wall outside the kitchen, even though that does nothing to help you stay quiet.

DRAMA – It's about being in character!

PERCEPTION – Your colleagues voices are clear enough now that you can make out their conversation.

JEAN – "Good weekend, Kitsuragi?"

KIM – "It was, actually. I got to spend some time with Alfie."

REACTION SPEED – There's a hesitation before Alfie's name. Who is this mysterious man?

JEAN – "You spend all night under your precious boy toy again?"

RHETORIC – Kim's *what*?!

SAVOIR FAIRE – Your hand reaches your mouth just in time to muffle a gasp; any noise you did make is covered by a sigh of Kim's own.

KIM – "Khm, that's one of putting it. He deserved some attention after last week."

ENCYCLOPEDIA – Last week had you all working overtime to deal with a series of abductions.

KIM – "Anyway, how was your weekend?"

RHETORIC – Kim's quick to shift the topic away from himself – and Alfie, apparently.

JEAN – "I took Caprice out again. Had a picnic in the meadow – real fucking romantic."

ELECTROCHEMISTRY – Ooh picnic, you should go on a picnic! Think of all the sugary snacks you could eat!

RHETORIC – There's something insincere about the way Jean said that, though you're unsure what.

LOGIC – It could be that his date didn't go quite as planned.

KIM – "Is everything alright with Caprice? I prefer not to indulge in gossip, but... I heard you stayed the night with her."

ESPRIT DE CORPS – Around the corner, Jean’s cheeks are set aflame.

JEAN – "The stable boy's been running his mouth again, hasn't he? When I see that bastard, I'm going to–"

KIM – "There's no need for that, lieutenant. I only ask out of concern."

LOGIC – Why would Kim be *concerned* about Jean getting some?

CONCEPTUALISATION – Maybe she's a bad influence, a temptress Jean can't pull himself away from!

AUTHORITY – There's a silent battle of wills, before Jean falls to Kim like many a damned soul before him.

JEAN – "... You better not repeat this sappy crap."

EMPATHY – Kim wouldn't even consider it. 

JEAN – "She just gave me this look like– I couldn't leave her alone again. Not after everything. Neither of us are dying or any bullshit like that, so you needn't worry your mitts off."

REACTION SPEED – Before you can process what this means, there's a flicker of movement to your side–

HALF LIGHT – A predator stalks you from the shadows, revealing their fangs as they prepare to make you their prey.

TRANT – "Good morning, Harry! If you don't mind me asking, why are you pressed up against the kitchen wall?" He beams, oblivious to the death sentence he just sentenced you to.

PERCEPTION – The kitchen goes silent. Then, footsteps.

HALF LIGHT – You're already dead.

AUTHORITY – A pair of looming figures appear from the kitchen doorway, preparing to judge your fate.

YOU – "Ha, morning Trant. It's funny you should ask that, actually. See I was just, uh…"

PAIN THRESHOLD – The fall from the window doesn’t seem that far; you could probably make it without breaking any important bones.

AUTHORITY – There is a single movement in Kim's expression: the raising of an eyebrow. Escape is not an option.

COMPOSURE – To his side you hear Jean's lungs inflating, as if preparing to cuss you out, but the curses never come. It seems Jean's practicing a "breathing exercise" to "calm down".

JEAN – "Is it funny? Because it sounds like you were eavesdropping on our conversation. Unless you care to enlighten us with some other explanation?"

YOU – You look over to your other brother for support, but Trant has already retreated to his desk.

PHYSICAL INSTRUMENT – Backpedalling bastard.

SUGGESTION – Lying isn't going to do you any favours here, boss. If you admit to the truth you can go straight to grovelling for a reduced sentence.

YOU – "I prefer the term covert surveillance, although you could *technically* conceptualise what I was doing as ‘eavesdropping’ – but you were talking about secret lovers! You can't expect me not to eavesdrop in on secret lovers!"

SUGGESTION – Are you aware of the definition of "grovelling"?

ENCYCLOPEDIA – Grovelling is defined as acting in an ingratiating–

PHYSICAL INSTRUMENT – He knows what grovelling is, you goddamn pansies.

PERCEPTION – Shh, I hear something! Is that… laughter?

EMPATHY – It is! Kim and Jean are *laughing* at you! While in Kim’s case there’s an attempt to suppress his mirth, those are definitely chuckles.

PAIN THRESHOLD – It’s the sound of your lucky ass being saved by their amusement.

JEAN – "Hear that, Kitsuragi? Secret lovers… that's the funniest shit I've heard this month."

KIM – "Detective, what about our conversation led you to believe we have ‘secret lovers’?"

LOGIC – They implied they’d slept with individuals you’ve never heard the names of. Secret lovers is a perfectly rational conclusion.

YOU – "You spent the weekend with someone – Alfie, you called your boyfriend Alfie!"

VOLITION – The slight quirk of Kim’s lips soothes your bewildered soul.

KIM – "Alfie is the name I gave the Kineema. I spent my weekend working on it – or under it, as Lieutenant Vicquemare put it."

RHETORIC – Jean does tend to describe things in an exceedingly colourful manner.

DRAMA – Treachery! Kim knows you love naming inanimate objects, but didn’t tell you the Kineema’s name? Oh how shall your heart ever heal...

YOU – "You named the Kineema and didn't tell me?"

SUGGESTION – If you were hoping to guilt trip Kim by wobbling your voice, it hasn't worked.

KIM – "You didn't ask. It's not a big secret, detective."

DRAMA – It *is*: Kim would prefer most people don't know he's given his motor carriage a nickname.

EMPATHY – This isn’t the conspiracy you're making it out to be. Remember how last week you started sniffling when Mack asked whether you'd seen his motor carriage keys? Motor carriages are obviously still a sensitive topic, so Kim doesn’t talk about his much around you. He was trying to be considerate.

YOU – "Oh, I see. What about Caprice – she’s Jean’s girlfriend, isn’t she?"

COMPOSURE – Jean’s shoulders stiffen; you've hit upon an uncomfortable topic.

JEAN – "...Caprice is my horse.”

REACTION SPEED – Horse?! 

LOGIC – Why did Jean sleep with a horse?

VOLITION – Don’t ask tha–

YOU – “YOU HAD SEX WITH A HORSE?!”

COMPOSURE – Jean’s face contorts into a look of unimaginable pain.

SUGGESTION – You might want to call for Nix, because Jean just had an aneurysm.

ENCYCLOPEDIA – He didn’t *actually* have an aneurysm, there's no way for you to assess whether he spontaneously developed a bulge in a blood vessel. All you inflicted on Jean is incredible stress.

JEAN – “What the actual *fuck* is wrong with you?! Did I– no, I just slept next to her in the stable you imbecile.”

ELECTROCHEMISTRY – Yeah, what’s wrong with you? Who would even think of doing such a thing to a mystical creature of childhood dreams? By the way, you need to meet this horse.

SUGGESTION – Oh absolutely!

ELECTROCHEMISTRY – Horse quest, horse quest, horse quest!

YOU – "Can I–"

JEAN – “No. Fuck no. You just accused me of goddamn *bestiality* in the middle of the precinct, and you spied on me. Then there’s the fact you– wait, let me check my notes...” Jean pulls a notebook out from his jacket pocket.

ESPRIT DE CORPS – It’s the same brand as Kim’s: a Mnemotechnique A6.

DRAMA – Nevermind that, he’s pretending to read from it now.

JEAN – “–are a thoughtless wanker who cocked up so hard I’m going to still be paying for it when I’m 6ft under. Can’t argue with the notes, shitkid.”

DRAMA – I’ve missed Vicquemare’s little performances, and this was quite the stirring return from retirement. Shame it’s directed at humiliating you.

EMPATHY – I thought he was being more amiable lately. Why did he have to bring the motor carriage again?

RHETORIC – Wild guess here, but it *might* be because you pissed him off with the horse-fucking and eavesdropping.

YOU – Your eyes dart to Kim–

COMPOSURE – His face has levelled into a neutral expression. He doesn't enjoy witnessing your and Jean’s disputes, but he won't involve himself.

EMPATHY – It's a sign of respect that he trusts you to resolve it among yourselves. 

VOLITION – If Kim believes in you there must be a solution here – even if it means not meeting the horse. You can’t expect Jean to trust you with person matters again overnight.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY – No, you're meeting the horsey! Think, what do we know about Jean and horses?

ENCYCLOPEDIA – Wasn't Jean an equestrian cop before you convinced him to buy the Coupris 40?

LOGIC – That would mean he got to spend less time with his horse after you bought the motor carriage. It’s possible he holds that against you.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY – Good work, nerds! So Jean’s mad we separated him from his precious horsey?

CONCEPTUALISATION – I don't know about that… think about the horse’s name, Caprice. That's not a name you give a calm, companionable horse. What if it’s not Jean who’s angry at you – what if it’s the horse? 

INLAND EMPIRE – A stubborn mare for a stubborn owner; Jean could be trying to protect you again.

YOU – "Jean… is Caprice mad at me? If she is, I’d like to at least have the opportunity to apologise to her.”

EMPATHY – Jean freezes. He was prepared for you to beg, or attempt to sneak into the stables; hearing you ask politely is a change he’s still getting accustomed to, though not an unwelcome one

ESPRIT DE CORPS –  _ This is idiotic, but… _

COMPOSURE – Deliberation flickers across Jean’s eyes, before he breaks with an exaggerated groan.

JEAN – “You’re a smarmy bastard, you know that? Fine, you can apologise to Caprice. Don’t blame me if she bites you.”

PAIN THRESHOLD – He’s not joking: there is a serious possibility she could bite you.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY – Who cares, you get to meet the horsey!

VOLITION – More importantly, you have an opportunity to continue bridging the rift between yourself and Jean. Winning over Caprice will go a long way toward winning over Jean.

JEAN – “I'll take you down to the stables after work. S’pose you better think about what you want to say to Caprice."

RHETORIC – You will spend all day crafting the perfect apology!

ESPRIT DE CORPS – Kim coughs – he expects you to wrap this up and get on with actual police work now.

RHETORIC – You will spend *some* of your day crafting the perfect apology!

~

YOU – Between overdue reports and uncooperative witnesses, you spend none of your day crafting the perfect apology. By the time you realise you have no idea how to even plead to a horse, you’re already outside the stables.

SUGGESTION – Don’t try to postpone this: it’s already a miracle Jean agreed as readily as he did.

ESPRIT DE CORPS – Jean leads the way through the stables, with Kim trailing along behind you both. You insisted he come along to hear your last words, in case of a killer horse scenario.

AUTHORITY – Jean wanted Kim to come along too. You suspect this is so he can show off his horse; Jean and Kim bring out one other’s boastful sides, as fellow creatures of pride. 

JEAN – “You ready to meet Gottlieb?”

REACTION SPEED – A joke. He’s suggesting you’re going to need medical attention after this encounter.

HALF LIGHT – It’s not a joke, Caprice is going to sever your fingers with one big chomp!

PHYSICAL INSTRUMENT – It’s a horse, and a wöman horse at that. How much damage can she do?

YOU – "Yeah, ready. Definitely not about to wet myself."

ESPRIT DE CORPS – You feel Kim’s hand on your back, the stability comforting you like a weighted blanket. He won't judge you for wetting yourself:  _ it’s a reasonable reaction to meeting a horse _ , he thinks.

YOU – Jean stops in front of a stall near the end. There you finally come face to face with your adversary.

CONCEPTUALISATION – Her coat is oil, a thick black mass with shimmers of light rippling across it. From the plains spring forth waves of well maintained hair, a waterfall cascading down her neck, and another from her rear. She carries herself with a pride that comes from knowing others envy the way her every movement flows, as though her muscles were liquid. There is no doubt in your mind that she is the manifestation of magnificence.

ENCYCLOPEDIA – This is a Friesian, a breed originating from Loos. They're known for their baroque body type, pitch black coat, and high-stepping trot. Friesian's tend to be energetic but friendly in their demeanour – however this one could very well buck the trend.

PHYSICAL INSTRUMENT – Those are some beefy muscles she's packing! Forget what I said before, she could trample you into a fine paste if she pleased.

KIM – Kim takes a slight step back – he knows better than to mess with a horse like this.

JEAN – In contrast, Jean casually hangs over the fencing. “Harry, meet Caprice. Caprice, meet Harry – again, because he’s an asshole who forgot everyone.”

AUTHORITY – You feel Caprice looking directly into the core of your being. She huffs, as if to say she doesn't like what she sees.

YOU – “Uh, hi Caprice…”

RHETORIC – Oh fuck, oh fuck, I don’t know what to say to a horse! What are you even apologising for? 

DRAMA – Fear not, I have your back. Repeat after me: Neigh neigh, neigh, then nicker.

PHYSICAL INSTRUMENT – And put your throat into it, worm!

YOU – “Um, neigh? N–”   
  
RHETORIC – Don’t actually repeat him!

DRAMA – Not if you’re going to butcher the performance like *that*! Do you not know how to make proper horse noises?

ESPRIT DE CORPS – Kim and Jean are exchanging alook:  _ we don’t need to intervene yet, do we? _

AUTHORITY – Caprice is giving you a look too. You’re being looked down on by a *horse*. Put her in her place already!

SUGGESTION – No, don’t. Shouting will only make this worse. Just say something nice, in a soothing voice.

HARRY – “Sorry, I didn’t know what to say. Turns out I don’t talk to horses very often. At least I don’t think I do? Like Jean said, I’ve got amnesia.”

VOLITION – Keep going: Jean’s letting you do this for a reason.

HARRY – “I think I’m supposed to be apologising to you? So, uh, sorry. You seem like a good horse. Something tells me you looked after Jean when I didn’t so… thanks for being the partner he deserves.”

COMPOSURE – If this was directed at Jean, it would be a mission success: he's turned away to hide a rising blush. But it's not Jean you need to convince today.

HALF LIGHT – Caprice slinks across the stall, your demise trotting ever closer. As she nears, you squeeze eyes shut, to spare you the horror of witnessing your own retribution.

PERCEPTION – Soon a foreign breath ghosts your neck, followed by a pool of drool leaking down your shirt...

PAIN THRESHOLD – … But as the seconds drag on you don't feel any pain, except for a tame tingling on your scalp.

CAPRICE – One of your eyes peaks open, revealing that Caprice is right up in your business – and munching on your hair. She’s really going for it, but shows no intent of doing anything more.

HARRY – “Jean? She’s eating my hair…”

EMPATHY – Behind you Kim exhales in relief: he was genuinely worried you would get bitten.

JEAN – Jean chuckles fondly. “She’s telling you to get a haircut, aren’t you Caprice? You’re being so considerate to the gross smelly man.”

AUTHORITY – Caprice whines in agreement to this insolent slander. You don’t even smell that bad anymore!

ELECTROCHEMISTRY – Who cares, horsey likes you! She can graze on your hair all evening if it means you get to touch her.

VOLITION – No, *she* gets to touch *you*. Don't push your luck with trying to pet her just yet.

YOU – “I guess this means she accepts my apology. Do I get to know what I apologised for now?”   
  
CAPRICE – Caprice releases your locks, sashaying over to Jean for attention. He gives it freely, rubbing her neck in a steady rhythm.

JEAN – “I don’t know. You said you wanted to apologise, so I let you.”

EMPATHY – That seems... sweet?

DRAMA – It’s not: he just thought it would be funny to watch you try to apologise to a horse. Another jest at your expense, but not malicious.

LOGIC – This calls into question whether there was even a threat of her biting you.

YOU – “So was she actually likely to bite me? She seems like a sweet horse.”

JEAN – Jean snorts. "Don't underestimate her just because she went easy on you today – *yes that's right, you've been a good girl*. Caprice knows how to take care of bastards who don't show her proper respect."

AUTHORITY – If you came thoughtlessly lumbering into her space – or Jean's, for that matter – she wouldn't hesitate to take a chunk out of you.

EMPATHY – Jean let you meet Caprice today because he trusted you to be polite enough not to get yourself bitten. For all your misgivings, you have been trying lately.

HALF LIGHT – She's still a beast to be feared! Even Kim knows that – look at him nodding in agreement.

KIM – “There are rare instances of horses removing fingers, though bleeding is more common. Neither are desirable.”

COMPOSURE – Seeing Kim's taut shoulders makes it finally click: Kim's afraid of horses. You tuck this information away for further analysis on a later date. It'd be rude to pry right now, when Kim came along to support you in spite of his phobia.

EMPATHY – There’s a conversational lull, in which Jean pulls out a brush and begins combing Caprice's hair. The familiarity of the routine soothes him; he'd quite happily spend hours here with Caprice.

YOU – "Crashing the Coupris was kind of a blessing in disguise. It means you get to spend more time with Caprice again."

INTERFACING – Kim winces. Damaging a motor carriage could never be a blessing in his books.

JEAN – "It isn't a blessing on my wallet, asshole."

EMPATHY – While Jean's receptive to your efforts to make up with him, he still holds a grudge over you crashing the Coupris.

YOU – "Right, sorry – again. It just sucks you had to stop being an equestrian cop. Bet I selfishly insisted we get a motor carriage…” 

PERCEPTION – There's a resigned sigh into Caprice's mane.

JEAN – "No, there was plenty of reason to get the Coupris. You're a shit tier horse rider, for instance."

PHYSICAL INSTRUMENT – Horse riding is all in the thighs, and despite jogging everywhere you still somehow have pathetic chicken-wing legs. 

YOU – "Turns out I'm a shit tier carriage driver too."

PERCEPTION – From behind Caprice's head, you catch Jean smirk.

JEAN – "Yeah, you're pretty shit, shitkid."

SUGGESTION – His heart's not in the insult. There’s no doubt he thinks you're shit, but you're a pile of shit he cares about. 

INLAND EMPIRE – Fresh sprigs of grass flourish across once scorched earth; while forever changed, nurture can heal what was once harmed.

JEAN – "Y’know, they say horses are better judges of character than people." 

COMPOSURE – You know better than to get defensive over that sort of comment anymore. Your reply is calm, teasing.

YOU – "Let me guess, Caprice can barely tolerate me?"

PERCEPTION – Caprice neighs–

CONCEPTUALISATION – Let me interpret this! Caprice is saying: *While you have been misguided in the past, I do not hate you, for nature’s beasts do not know hate.*

LOGIC – No, she’s just neighing. Just because you have supernatural abilities, doesn’t mean there’s a deeper meaning to everything.

RHETORIC – That translation’s obviously rubbish, but it does sound like a neigh of disagreement.

JEAN – “She hates everyone – but she hates you less than most. Would let me carry you home on her back when you were too pissed to walk. Just goes to show the saying is a load of crap."

EMPATHY – Like someone else, Caprice has a soft spot for you. It's a mystery what you did to win their hearts. Maybe one day Jean will tell you.

ESPRIT DE CORPS – Kim checks his watch. While he's proud of you both for the relationship progress you're making, he's getting antsy spending this long around horses.

SUGGESTION – Plus you’ve turned him into a third wheel – or maybe fourth, if you include Caprice.

INTERFACING – A fourth wheel is useful...

KIM – "Thank-you for inviting me, but I should head home now. You're welcome to join me if you want a ride, detectives."

ENDURANCE – It's only a fifteen minute walk home, but it's been a long day. You’d prefer the ride.

EMPATHY – Plus you get the feeling you’re invading on something, the way Jean’s looking at Caprice. You should leave them alone to enjoy some quiet time together now. 

SUGGESTION – Not like that, before you put your foot in it again.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY – Horsey…

VOLITION – You can visit Caprice again another day.

YOU – "I'll come with you."

PERCEPTION – Jean doesn't even look up: his gaze is completely consumed by Caprice.

JEAN – "I'm going to hang back. See you both in the morning."

YOU – You say your farewells, then follow Kim as he hurries out of the stables. Before you leave, you glance at Jean over your shoulder one last time– 

INLAND EMPIRE – For the first time in a while, you don't feel like you're leaving a mess in your wake. It’s not just that Jean’s got someone else looking out for him, although you’re glad he does; rather than having angered Jean, you’ve made his day a little brighter. You hope that becomes a habit.


End file.
